When did RSVP Become a 4-Letter Word?

Let me begin by saying, I am no Emily Post. On occasion, I have been known to break a rule or two of etiquette. The one rule that I try not to break, however, is to RSVP to an invitation.

My mother may have had the biggest influence on me when it comes to RSVPing. She insisted on sending in the reply and doing so within the first few days of receiving an invitation. While at times I may send in my response the day before the recipient is asking for it; I usually try to send in my RSVP within the first few days. I am surprised though at the number of people who never send in a response, wait until the very last minute to send in a response, or send a response in late (sometimes even a day or two later).

The first time I really had anything to do with RSVPing wasn’t until college friends started getting married. Prior to that, the only real commitment I had to make well in advance was for spring break. I can still remember getting my first wedding invitation. It was a no-brainer at the time as I was in the wedding party. I didn’t send in the RSVP card; just assumed that they knew I was coming since I was a bridesmaid. The mother of the bride later contacted me to ask whether or not I was coming. A lesson that stuck with me; I no longer make the assumption that the person knows whether or not I am coming.

Many years later, when I was getting married, I ran into a similar dilemma. There were several people who didn’t respond, responded at the last minute, or changed their response after the response date. Now, luckily, I was so much in love that I could have cared less what was going on. However, I did see the stress on my parents and for that, I apologize to them. It all worked out in the end though and the day was a success; however, the stress and work caused by late or changing RSVPs could have been avoided. Nobody was the wiser as to who responded in a timely fashion, who waited until the last minute, and who played a game of “will they or won’t they.”

After many years and many events, I am still taken aback by the number of people who don’t RSVP. I have had the opportunity to host several events, many of which have required an RSVP, and it never fails that you get those who RSVP right away (Bravo! by the way), those who never RSVP, and those who RSVP after the response date. While informal invitations are typically no longer sent via snail mail, they still deserve just as much attention.

Initially, I would send invitations via email. With my personal email, I do not have the option to attach a read receipt so I would just hope that the person got the email, opened it, and read it. Then I started getting sneakier (or at least sneakier in my mind). I would send invitations via Evite™. That way, I could see who went online and looked at the invitation, and when they did it. While it confirmed my hypothesis that people were reading the invitation and just not responding, it did nothing to help my anger with the situation; it really only added fuel to the flame.

Why is it so difficult for some people to respond to an invitation? Has the meaning of RSVP been lost? Are you waiting to see if you get another, better offer for that day and time? Those are some of the questions I ask myself when it comes to sending in an RSVP.

Recently, I received a response from an email invitation I had sent out. The person wrote back, “I’d like to RSVP to the event.” Clearly, that answered one of my questions – that he did not understand the meaning of RSVP. When an invitation asks you to RSVP, it means to let the host or hostess know, yes OR no, whether you plan on attending. And yes, it is not lost on me that there are several types of RSVPs, but that is the invitees’ responsibility to read and know which type. For example, if it says, ‘RSVP with regrets only,’ then I am assuming that you are coming unless you tell me otherwise. The reverse is true as well; if it says ‘RSVP yes only,’ then it means that I am assuming that you are not coming unless you tell me otherwise. If it just says ‘RSVP by this date’ and I get no response, then I am left to wonder whether you will show up that day.

I have also gotten the response the day before the event stating, “If it’s not too late, I would love to attend tomorrow.” You had two weeks to respond; what happened. Were you waiting to get a better offer from someone, and since it didn’t come through, you are now free to come to my event? The day before the event, I’ve already done the planning and shopping. Why are you the special person who gets to RSVP late and still attend? Is the time it takes you to look at a calendar, see that you have a free day, and click ‘reply,’ more important than someone else’s time who is putting the event together?

This is not a new problem. People’s inability to RSVP has long been an issue and it will, most likely, continue to be an issue. If ever you have the chance to mentor someone, I hope that you will include RSVPing in your teaching. I have been fortunate to be able to mentor military spouses, and most recently, cadets training to be officers. One of the lessons I hope they will take away is to RSVP, and to do so within the first few days, just like my mom taught me. It only takes a couple minutes to RSVP and it means a great deal to the person who thought enough of you to send you the invitation. Shouldn’t you think the same of them?